Sunday, January 8, 2012

Immortality

Why do mummies die twice? They were dead, but then a whole army of them comes back to life, fights a huge battle from their various stages of decomposition and then expire again. I think we need a new definition for the word “die.”

Is this some kind of Lazarus complex?

Am I to understand there aren’t enough bad guys in the world already, so we need more of them to show up again? How frustrating. Imagine how complicated the whole judicial system becomes if you can’t give someone what they deserve because death sets them free to show up and harass people again . . . and again . . .

This must be stopped.

There is an advantage to mummy immortality, I guess. If they come back to life they might have to serve all of that 120 year sentence they were given in their first life. I just don’t know how you could keep ‘em behind bars to do it. It doesn’t seem to bug them if they lose an appendage while fighting with people, so they could probably sacrifice one and squeeze through the bars.

Wow. This is a problem. Mummies should have overrun the world by now. Add to that the problem of their second cousins, zombies, and local law enforcement is guilty of ignoring an entire creepy subculture. And I don’t mean the TSA. Although they come close.

So I’m watching the end of “Mummies Three” with Rob. Or maybe it was called “Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”. I mean, why do they even call them tombs if the undead were dead but can’t be kept dead? What’s the point of funerals if these morons refuse to stay put? And how do they even get that kind of power? Does medical science know about this? I know it would put most of the pharmaceuticals out of business, but judging from the complexion problems of the undead, Johnson & Johnson could just turn its attention to the cosmetic industry. Retinol could do wonders for these guys.

I don’t think I’ve ever watched a mummy movie before. That’s probably because Jimmy Stewart never starred in any of them. I didn’t see the first part of this one, so I admit I’m coming in a little late. But it looks like the boy falls in love with a three thousand year old girl whose mother came back to fight all the other comeback kids who still hate each other and are convinced, even now, they can take over the world. The mom, in her second time around—through the mystery of mummydom—gives up her own immortality so her slightly younger daughter can fall in love with the first time around hero (son of Brandon Frazier) and go out on a date with him. In the last scene the two are shown dancing together, head over heels in love, while he whispers in her ear the words every girl longs to hear, “You look pretty good for a woman your age.” Takes the term “cougar” to a whole new level, doesn’t it?

Well, enough of that. We’re on to the next reality show offered by Hollywood. And it looks like a doozy. A strange creature is seen off the coast of Scotland. The U.S. Army adopts him and names him 'Hellboy'.

This one’s a Christmas story!

Stay tuned. I’ll let you know if it’s destined to become a classic or not.

6 comments:

  1. OK, rule number one: you cannot apply the rules of logic to horror films.

    Rule number two: if rule number one irritates you, don't watch horror films. Even if Rob gives you the come hither eyes.

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  2. Hi, gogo grandma! Thanks for following me!

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  3. Liz, honestly I thought it was a comedy! I wasn't applying rules of logic - I was poking fun. Which makes me laugh. Rob laughed when you accused me of being logical. :)

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  4. Lol! Lazarus complex: Love it! And Hellboy? Well other than having good taste in cigars and women, well...it's a pulp fiction classic I reckon. ;)

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  5. And all these years, with a title like "Hellboy", I thought it was a Stephen King horror film, so I avoided it like the plague. Turns out, he was just your normal sunburned guy next door, sawed-off horns and everything!

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